How to Handle Rudeness at Work

A friend asked me recently what she should do when someone — her manager, in this case — was treating her with condescension. The kind of tone that suggests you’re a disappointment to them and they view you as incompetent. We’ve all been there: the sigh disguised as patience, the unnecessary explanation of something you already know, the praise that is for something irrelevant like neat handwriting or — worse — clothing or hair.

Her question to me was simple: “What do I do?”

My answer was simpler: “Nothing.”

If the behavior is sexual, racial, or otherwise legally actionable, going to HR is appropriate — though, sadly, even those cases don’t always resolve in favor of the person allegedly harmed. Companies can close ranks faster than you can say, “Time to get a new job.”

But for everyday rudeness, derision, and belittling? It’s not about you. And reacting almost never helps. It gives the other person exactly what they often want — a chance to escalate, to provoke you, or to paint you as “emotional.” Work is not the arena for emotional karate.

Managers can be rude. Executives can be arrogant. Senior people sometimes talk as though they alone have been entrusted with the secrets of leadership. It’s unpleasant, but it’s part of organizational life.

You can absolutely feel something about it — annoyance, hurt pride, a fleeting desire to throw your laptop at their head — but acting on those feelings? That’s where careers go to die. A five-second comeback can cost you five years of progression.

I once worked at a tech company where I fantasized daily about resigning with a grand speech. In my mind, I’d stride into the CEO’s office, tell him he was lucky I’d ever worked there, and dramatically hand over my notice while reminding him of every unfulfilled promise. In reality? On resignation day he was out of town, as was everyone else. I ended up resigning to the very polite general counsel, who smiled awkwardly as I delivered my carefully rehearsed “this company is lucky to have had me” line. I left detailed transition plans, ensured my team was set up for success, and walked out gracefully — because burning bridges is emotionally satisfying and strategically disastrous.

So what should you do instead of fighting fire with fire?

You just take it. Not because you’re weak, but because you’re smart.

Not because their behavior is acceptable, but because responding won’t fix it. Most rude people at work are not transformed by feedback from the person they were rude to. They didn’t listen respectfully the first time — why on earth would they start now? You don't manage their personality. You manage your reaction. And you do it by following these two rules.

Rule No. 1: Don’t Take It Personally (Even When It Feels Personal)

People who condescend usually condescend to everyone. It’s a habit, not a targeted attack. They think it makes them look competent. It doesn’t — but telling them that won’t change anything. If someone is rude because they’re insecure, stressed, or slightly incompetent, it’s not your job to fix their emotional plumbing. And you can’t. Just remind yourself: “This is about them, not me.” And carry on.

Rule No. 2: Don’t Teach Lessons to People Who Can Punish You

This is a career-saving principle I’ve learned repeatedly (mostly because I failed to follow it): Never correct someone who writes your performance review. You will feel the temptation. Your ego will whisper, “Say something! Defend yourself! Correct him! Explain your point more forcefully!”

Your ego does not pay your mortgage. In a power imbalance, politeness isn’t submission — it’s strategy. You don’t have to agree. You don’t have to admire them. You don’t even have to forget. But you do have to protect your position, your reputation, and your long-term goals.

But what if a peer is rude? Ah, peers. The wildcards of workplace rudeness. Peers don’t have hierarchical authority, but they do have influence, especially in modern companies where decisions are made in groups, culture is a buzzword, and “collaboration” is both mandatory and weaponized.

So what do you do when a peer is condescending? Exactly the same thing as with a manager: Nothing.

Here’s why: Reacting to peer rudeness often triggers unhelpful responses.

Sometimes, they deny it — “I didn’t say that.”

Sometimes they escalate it — who knows what rivalry they feel towards you for that next promotion or single available position.

Sometimes, they play the victim, especially if you call them out in public — “I am just reacting to your tone.” The latter is a classic narcissist relationship reaction: shift the blame onto you as fast as possible. You can get out of the personal relationship but not the business one.

So again: Don’t react emotionally. Don’t get into a spiral of printed emailed righteous speeches. There is no point that you are going to win through this. Just mentally write them off as someone you cannot trust. Then move on.

But outside work? Ah, Yes. Outside work is another world. Here’s the beautiful part: The rules change completely outside of work. Most of the time, you should still maintain your dignity, but you are absolutely allowed to respond to rude people in the real world with more freedom.

The stakes are lower. Your salary is not on the line. Your reputation doesn’t depend on the delicate politics of a corporate ecosystem.

If someone in your personal life talks down to you? You can push back. You can call it out. You can choose not to spend time with them.

You can say, “Let’s try that sentence again without the attitude.” That’s a good one for the tennis court, I find. I might be able to put up with any old crap from a board or superior officer but from a tennis opponent? Not on your life! Even then, I know someone smarter (and less passionate) than me would just stay silent and take pleasure in beating them at the physical game rather than a mental one.

But inside work? It’s not the same game. People think that not reacting equals being a pushover. Nonsense. Silence is not weakness. (Nor is kindness, as Rihanna famously sang.) Holding your tongue is one of the most disciplined, skilled actions a professional can take. It’s not passivity; it’s precision. You are building a reputation for being level-headed, composed, and strategic — not impulsive or dramatic. As your career progresses, these qualities buy you trust, influence, and power.

So, when someone is rude to you at work ask yourself these three important questions that will keep you safe. Will responding improve the situation? (Almost always: no.) Will responding harm my relationship or career? (Often: yes.) Is this person capable of receiving feedback from me? (You know the answer. If they were, they wouldn’t have been rude in the first place.)

And therefore — do nothing.

But you don’t have to accept the emotional impact. Hey, life isn’t fair, and that sucks. We all know it. You are allowed to feel irritated. You are allowed to vent to friends. You are allowed to make a note, privately, that this person reveals something unflattering about themselves. As my guru Taylor Swift says, “You don’t have to forgive or forget to move on.”

But you don’t take it home. You don’t tie your self-worth to their tone. And you certainly don’t let it thread its way into your identity.

Rudeness is an opinion. Not a fact.

I’ll leave you with a truth that every experienced leader knows: People who are condescending at work often eventually reveal themselves. It might take years, but it often happens: Their team avoids them. Their best talent leaves. Senior leaders start noticing patterns. Clients complain. Their influence shrinks. And weird things happen. One day, you may be their boss. And if you are, you can treat them however you want. But you probably won’t retaliate. Because by then, you will care more about being a strong leader than revenge.

Meanwhile, the people who stay steady, calm, and unbothered rise. Not because they never felt anything. But because they know the difference between satisfying their ego and protecting their future.

You can’t control other people’s behavior. But you can control your reaction — and your career will thank you for it.

And if you occasionally slip and react? Forgive yourself. Prepare for possible fallout. Move on. Tell yourself you’ll do better next time. One day you’ll be at the top looking down and maybe even have some sympathy for the stress your manager was under. As many have found when they crossed over to new pastures, “The view is different from the other side.”

Janet Lewis Matricciani is a two-time CEO who has worked all over the world and is multilingual, now sharing her business lessons publicly. She is a regular contributing writer to this magazine and can be reached at jlmatricciani@gmail.com. Click the link to see more of her articles.